What to know about your partner before marriage.

Marriage, much like the rest of life, is a journey. You will never see the complete picture until you are at the end of the road and can look back with clear vision. This element of mystery is what makes marriage interesting and exciting. Growing and changing in your relationship with another person can be both fulfilling and rewarding. . . if you choose the right person.

If statistics are any indication, many of us have some level of difficulty choosing that right person. Divorce has become so commonplace now as to almost be expected. In some circles, first marriages are laughingly referred to as "starter marriages." It's almost as if people are starting to expect to change and grow and fall out of love with their partner after a certain time period and move on to form other relationships.



If you would rather not have that happen to you, there are several critical details you should know about your prospective spouse, their life, their past and their goals for the future before legalizing your commitment.


1) How much do you have in common? You don't want to be carbon copies of each other, but you should be able to recognize the critical differences between you and come to terms with how you will deal with them. Do you hold similar religious beliefs? If not, can you exist together in a parallel religious world? Will one of you be willing to change for the other? Does the difference even matter very much to either one of you? What will you do if and when children come along?

2) Speaking of children, do you both have the same expectations about family size? If one of you wants to start having children right away and the other is more interested in pursuing career goals (and perhaps skipping the child rearing part of marriage all together) you will eventually reach a point of disillusionment or resignation; neither of which will bode well for your future marriage.

3) Are there any secrets?  It's best to come clean upfront about messy past relationships (children with another partner, a past romance with a mentally disturbed person) before the past comes back to haunt you.  Does one of you have large, outstanding debts, bankruptcies or a lousy credit rating?  These problems will resurface, often at the most inconvenient time.

4) Have you met your partner's family? Yes, you are marrying your partner and not their uncle, parents, cousins or siblings, but it's amazing what you will learn from meeting the in-laws and watching your partner interact with people in the family. Some of your partner's best and worst traits will be revealed by the people who know them best.

5) Where do you expect to be on the road of life in five years? Ten years? Twenty years? Changes do occur and the unexpected is bound to happen, but it helps to know you share the same basic goals as your prospective spouse. If you want to retire young and live out the remainder of your life on a beach somewhere and your partner wants to work forty years and travel the world in a Winnebago, you have some talking to do.

Never enter into marriage because your mother wants you to, you're ready to settle down (with anyone) and have children or just because you think it's time. Anytime the decision doesn't feel right, take that as a sign to step back and spend more time evaluating the relationship before moving forward.